Cutting comments, toxic compliments, passive-aggressive jabs at loved ones — followed by the inevitable emptiness and shame for your behavior. Sound familiar? You might be dealing with an out-of-control narcissistic side of your personality.
Why do we hurt friends and family to feel superior, and how can we help ourselves overcome this?
Is the Narcissistic Part of the Personality Always Bad?
When we hear the word “narcissist” in a psychological context, a terrifying image often comes to mind: a cold-hearted monster who torments others, uses people to feel superior, and crushes “noble souls’ aspirations” while laughing maliciously.
In interactions with others, a person with a painfully pronounced narcissistic personality trait usually feels unstable. Deep down, they may believe that all their achievements, words, and actions are of no interest to anyone and have no impact.
To escape these tormenting feelings and to feel stronger and more confident, the narcissist may unconsciously resort to aggression — “climbing over others” and deliberately putting themselves in a position above the rest.
If a person has issues with the narcissistic part of their personality, in everyday life, they may come across as arrogant, cold, toxic, and drive loved ones to tears and outbursts.
In reality, everyone has a narcissistic part of their personality. Normally, it’s responsible for self-love, self-respect, ambition, and the will to succeed. There’s nothing wrong with praising yourself or seeking approval from others. Problems arise when the pursuit of love and approval comes at the expense of demeaning others.
Why does a person get “carried away” into narcissistic behavior?
As usual, upbringing is often to blame. Parents who only praise a child for their achievements instill the belief of “all or nothing”: you’re either perfect or worthless and unworthy of love. Growing up, such a child desperately builds an image to impress others and prevent them from noticing any imperfection.
A person with a pronounced narcissistic part tries to maintain a delicate balance between a mountain of personal greatness and the abyss of their “worthlessness.” The slightest failure in life triggers the fear that the carefully constructed self-presentation will collapse like a house of cards, which are used in any game you will encounter at an online casino.
Moreover, a person may perceive an absolutely ordinary situation as a failure if they didn’t manage to stand out above the rest. For instance, if they completed a routine work task “like everyone else” and didn’t receive praise from their boss, their fragile self-esteem may start to crumble.
These character traits become even more pronounced in friendships and romantic relationships. When there’s a hint of closeness, a person with an “inflamed” narcissistic part often fears that others will see their true, imperfect self and reject them. As a result, they may resort to sarcasm, rudeness, and other ways of asserting their dominance. Sensitivity and vulnerability are seen as weakness and a loss of control over the situation.
Their own imperfection triggers burning shame and a desire to quickly regain their lost status — even if it means hurting a loved one or severing contact with them.
How to Help Yourself: First Steps Toward Change
Praise Yourself for Wanting to Improve
If you want to stop mocking and cruelly teasing loved ones, congratulations. This means you are at the beginning of a transformation journey and becoming more open to dialogue with yourself and others. The path to solving the problem begins with acknowledging it. Try to treat yourself with care and gratitude.
Look for the Need You’re Trying to Fulfill
A person who hurts loved ones can benefit from observing their internal sensations: thoughts, impulses, and memories. What happens to you when you say something unpleasant to a friend? What do you want or expect to achieve as a result of such behavior? If this situation is familiar to you, with whom did you interact like this before?
Think about what you really want when you act in a certain way. Do your actions lead to the desired result? At what stage can you change something?
Seek Professional Help
Dealing with the negative manifestations of narcissistic behavior, learning to manage emotions in a healthy way, and starting to build healthy relationships with people is very difficult without professional support.
To gradually reduce the painful sense of self-importance and accept your vulnerability and imperfection, you need to give yourself time. It will be helpful to approach this process with curiosity and openness, rather than judgment or shame.